


True North

by Eppie (eppiewrites)



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alcohol, Drug Use, F/F, Mild Language, Sexual Content, all this in later chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-19
Updated: 2015-09-11
Packaged: 2018-02-13 20:10:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2163618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eppiewrites/pseuds/Eppie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Since the Pines twins left Gravity Falls for a vague yet urgent reason, things have been different. When they come back four years later, a lot has changed, especially with a certain past rival and friend of Mabel’s. What secrets have the twins been keeping? And will Mabel and Pacifica be able to mend?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is in no way related to my previous one, Northern Pines. Enjoy!

Thin lips stretch wide across the brunette-haired woman’s face, revealing a straight set of perfect yet almost artificial white teeth.

A stamped, plastic smile (too wide to be any form of genuine) is printed on the woman’s face. She directs it forward, only to be met with the same sickly smile in the vanity mirror before her. She puffs her foundation powder on her face, particles flying up into the air.

Pacifica Northwest is only six years old and barely taller than her mother’s vanity table as she leans over it, her eyes darting across the tidy array of miscellaneous make-up items: crimson colored lipsticks, various shades of blush and eye-shadow, neat rows of eyeliner pencils, tools that looked like they would cause a certain degree of discomfort. Pacifica coughs.

"Pacifica, honey,  _darling_ , you know it’s rude to cough without covering your mouth first,” The woman speaks, never breaking her gaze from the mirror. “Do you know how dreadful your mother would look if she got sick?”

"Sorry, mommy," the blonde’s eyes shift back down to the table, "the powder makes my nose and throat itch."

"You should try to refrain from coughing in general, it’s unbecoming," Her mother swirls her brush into the rosy pink tray of blush then applies to her cheeks. "You are a Northwest. You aren’t anything like those other animals that you refer to as classmates; coughing and sneezing and touching things with their dirty hands. Even for the most prestigious, private institute your father and I could find in all of Oregon, we still have to worry about you getting sick," She traces her lips in crimson, "The last thing I need is for you to get sick."

"I won’t! I don’t take handed out foods, like you and dad said to. I don’t let the other kids touch me."

"Smart girl," Her mother says, "Do you have your ballet clothes packed?"

"Yes."

"Just wait after school for your chauffeur and he’ll take you straight to ballet lessons."

"Okay," Pacifica nods, twiddling her thumbs nervously before speaking again, "Mommy? Are you going to be there to watch?

"Watch what, dear?" The strong scent of cloves fills the room as the woman sprays her wrists with a heavy perfume.

"My ballet lessons. Are you and dad going to come watch me?"

Her mother laughs.

"Oh Pacifica, of course not! Your father and I are going to the opera tonight and we can’t make the show if were at your lessons." Her mother motions the girl to move behind her handing off the two end hooks of her silver necklace to her. "Now be a dear and hook mommy’s necklace, you’ll need to get to school soon."

 

* * *

 

What?

_What?_

“What do you  _mean_  the Pines twins are leaving today?” Pacifica Northwest, age twelve, yelled into the receiver of her cell phone. “Are you _kidding_  me right now?”

Pacifica would admit, her own reaction to this news surprised her. As much as she didn’t intend on it, the twins had grown on her a bit and as far as she was aware, they hadn’t planned on leaving until the end of August. She had been making progress with them, something about hanging out with the twins made her feel different, especially with Mabel, who had always managed to find a sense of kindness in the face of Pacifica’s harsh words. And as much as she felt embarrassed to admit it, she wasn’t ready for them to leave yet.

She wasn’t ready to say goodbye.

“Yeah, family emergency I guess, or at least that’s what their creepy uncle keeps telling everyone,” Her friend replied from the receiver. “Good riddance, am I right?”

“Tiffany, I gotta go.” Pacifica replied, flipping her cell phone shut. She sighed.

“I gotta go say goodbye.”

* * *

 

“Hey Pacifica, I’m glad you could make it over!” Mabel said, smiling ear-to-ear as she greeted the blonde at the door, allowing her to step inside the shack.

“Yeah, sure, it’s whatever. I mean, I figured this was better than nothing since Rebecca had to cancel her plans…”

“I made you something for our sleepover,” Mabel smiled, shoving a folded sweater into Pacifica’s hands. “I had some leftover yarn, so I figured I’d knit a sweater for you. It’s hot pink!”

“I- I love that color,” The blonde widened her eyes, the emotion she felt was odd. Gratitude? Was that the right term for it? She held up the bright, pink sweater in her hands. “You made this… for me?”

“Well duh! Why would I have given it to you, silly?” Mabel said with a laugh.

She didn’t deserve that sweater. She had done nothing to deserve that sweater.

“Mabel.” Pacifica lifted her eyes from the sweater in her hands.

“Yeah?”

“Th- th-” She needed to spit it out. How come ‘thank you’ was so easy for everyone else to say? “Th- this will look nice on me.”

Another laugh from Mabel. “Of course it will! You’re the most stylish in town, after all.”

“Yeah.” The blonde said, her voice falling.

Even such a small bit of kindness on Mabel’s part brought her at a loss, Mabel knew she didn’t deserve anything from her, not after everything she had put her through. But here she was, holding a sweater in her hands. She closed her eyes and took a breath.

“I don’t really say this a lot, but th- thank you… for this.”

There was a beat, a second too long, and she noticed Mabel’s expression change, a softness in her eyes, her smile less goofy and a bit more sincere.

“Of course, Pacifica. You’re my friend,” She said, patting the blonde on the back. “That’s just what friends do.”

Friends? The word struck her, a blow to the back of her head.

She was her friend.

Mabel Pines was her friend.

* * *

 

“JEEVES!” Pacifica hollered as she sprinted down the staircase of her mansion.

When she finally reached the first floor, her calves burning, she stumbled out the door into the large garage of the family cars. Her chauffeur, who was relaxing in the front seat of Pacifica’s own personal limousine, lifted his head from the book he had been reading as he witnessed the young blonde girl stumbling and heaving as she pushed her way out the door, charging toward him, her face more worried than angry (as it usually was).

“Jeeves-” Pacifica started, breathless, “I need you to drive me to the Mystery Shack- now-”

Jeeves nodded as Pacifica hurried into the car, revving up the engine as the garage door opened, peeling out of the driveway at the first opportunity.

Due to the town’s size, the trip wasn’t too long. Still, time seemed to move slower as the blonde found herself sitting still, unsure if the twins had left yet or not. Her heart seemed to beat faster and the nervous feeling in her stomach was getting to her, she was too anxious to even check her phone.

_Please let her still be there._

The plea seemed empty to her, Pacifica didn’t even realize the word ‘please’ was in her vocabulary.

She felt the car slow down and the unevenness of the dirt road under the tires, she looked out the window as the car finally stopped.

_pleasepleaseplease_

Shaky feet found the ground as Pacifica opened the car door, hurrying inside of the Mystery Shack. Pushing her way through the small group of customers inside and up to the register, who a familiar red-headed girl was working at.

“Um… can I help you?” Wendy asked, confused by how urgent the look on Pacifica’s face was.

“The twins- are they still here-?” The blonde blurted out, still catching her breath.

“Mabel and Dipper?”

“Yeah- yes- are they here?”

There was a moment where Wendy hesitated, seeing the look on Pacifica’s face, she knew what she was about to say next was not what she wanted to hear. She took a breath.

“I’m sorry-

_no_

their bus left about twenty minutes ago.” Wendy said, her heart heavy, the sudden departure of the twins took all of the town by surprise.

_nononono_

_she feels her knees hit the floor the tips of her fingers numb her body faint the crowd seems to grow even closer around her suffocating her she can’t breathe she can’t breathe and she can’t tell anyone why she can’t let them know she cared she cared she cared the cashier’s lips are moving but she can’t hear anything_

_i can’t breathe i can’t breathe in here_

_i couldn’t even say goodbye_

* * *

  **-Four Years Later-**  

* * *

 

The school bell rang and the hallways were soon filled with teenagers, hurrying themselves in a swarm out of the high school. Pacifica stayed behind in her last classroom, there was no way she was going to squish herself into that filthy mob. She was above that. She had always been above that.

Her English teacher glared, as always. Her face was so ugly, Pacifica thought, a crooked nose, eyebrows that looked like hadn’t been plucked in years. It was torture having to watch her teach all year.

She glared back at the teacher.

“I could buy and sell you.” The blonde spoke slowly when she met her eyes, the words dripping out of her mouth like venom from a viper’s fangs. That woman knew who she was, everyone did. Everyone knew Pacifica Northwest. And if they didn’t, they would soon enough.

The teacher stopped glaring and returned to her paperwork, she knew starting anything with someone like Pacifica just lead to trouble on her end, her father had ties to anyone in power, he knew people and people knew the man was loaded with money. And money always,  _always_ made problems go away.

She looked out the small window of the classroom door, waiting as the crowd thinned and the halls grew empty before she checked her phone, knowing the teacher couldn’t do anything about it since school was now out for the summer. It was the last day of the school year, after all. And people would have to be stupid not to think Pacifica wasn’t planning on throwing the biggest party in town.

_Gonna drown my sorrows in that wonderful Patrón tonight._

She stood up, her eyes still on her phone as she grabbed her bag, and pushed open the door with her free hand.

The hall was empty, papers and trash littered the floor that her heeled footsteps seemed to echo against, halting as she opened the front glass doors and was met with the blaring midday sun. She flipped down the sunglasses resting on her head, straightening her tank top before continuing.

Jeeves was waiting for her, she knew that. But he could wait in that car longer, she didn’t care. She turned the corner down the street she was picked up on and took a shortcut down a nearby alley, out of her chauffeur’s sight.

Taking a breath, she fumbled around in her bag before finding her lighter and pack of Marlboros, picking out a cigarette and placing it delicately between her lips as she lit it, the disgusting smoke invading her lungs.

She hated smoking, but it gave her a sort of satisfaction, defying her parent’s perfect image of her. It was angsty, it was immature, she knew that well enough, but she couldn’t care, she couldn’t. The cigarette felt so right between her fingers as she took another drag. Even if defiance tasted this terrible, she would still be asking for seconds.

The death stick burning in her lips, she felt her phone vibrate and pulled it out of her bra, flipping through the new texts from her friends. Expendable friends. Suddenly she saw the screen change as one of her friends seemed to be calling her at that very moment.

_“Rebecca calling…”_

She rolled her eyes and answered the call.

“What is it? I’m busy setting up for my party right now.” She tapped a few ashes off the cigarette with her finger before taking another drag

“Pacifica, you won’t believe what I just heard from Trisha.”

“Who’s pregnant now?” Pacifica gave a short laugh.

“Nobody, as far as I’m aware, but I heard from Trish that Brittany told Emma who told Jessie who told Courtney who told Samantha wh-

“Rebecca, just shut up and spit it out. I don’t have all day.”

“Fine. Remember those freaky Pines kids from a few years ago?”

Pacifica coughed at the words, smoke spilling out of her nose and mouth at the very word  _Pines_. Not them, why them? Anyone but them. Anyone who couldn’t make her vulnerable. Anyone.

“What about them?” The blonde finally responded once she caught her breath, her eyes watering a bit from her coughing fit, trying to keep her composure as she asked such shaky words. Why did her heart feel like it was racing again?

“They’re back in town.”

Pacifica felt the cigarette slide out of her fingers, hitting the ground in silence.


	2. Chapter 2

_They’re back?_

Pacifica felt herself croak, choking on her own words. She couldn’t find the right reaction. Should she laugh? Scoff? Roll her eyes? She couldn’t. How she had such an urge to pry, to pull out every detail from her friend at that very moment, with only her fear of vulnerability that kept her from asking more: How did she look? Where was she now? But she couldn’t seem interested- god, she could seethe, wanting to strangle herself for the self-set rules that she followed, forcing herself to.

“Yo, Pacifica, are you still there?”

Rebecca’s voice crackling through the speaker snapped Pacifica out of her short daze, where she had been briefly consuming herself in her own thoughts. Inhaling a shuddering breath, a pause, a moment where she closed her eyes for longer than a blink. Sighing, she brought the phone back up to her ear, grinding her fallen cigarette out with her heel.

“Yeah- yeah, I’m here,” She replied after a moment of hesitation, her voice was off, her tone distant, quieter than how she usually spoke. Her voice was always like this when she didn’t have her emotions in line. She had to keep her composure. She had to remain normal. “I- didn’t think they would show up again.”

“Me neither, I bet a ton of drama is gonna happen again. Just like last time.”

“That was so long ago,” Pacifica said, more to herself than to her friend on the phone, “I wonder how much she’s changed.”

“Who? Mabel?”

“Ah-

_shit_

ah- and Dipper too, b-both of them, it’s been like four years. I wonder if they’ve gotten even uglier.” She pushed a sharp laugh from her lungs, forcing the sound from her lips.

_Damage control, Pacifica. Keep it cool._

“Ha! I bet!” The voice on the phone felt foreign. Who was calling her again? She had so many friends; she couldn’t remember who was who sometimes. It was even harder to when she had so little interest in the people she associated with.

“Totally. Hey, I gotta go, setting up is a lot of work. See you later tonight.” Pacifica said, rushing off of the phone, flipping it shut and shoving it in her bra again.

This messed everything up. All of Pacifica’s plans for the night were skewed. How could she possibly focus on anything else when she knew the twins were back in town, this whole time thinking she would never see them again. She had finally gotten an opportunity; her parents were out of town for the weekend on one of her father’s business trips and now she couldn’t even fully enjoy her party because of them.

Her lanky, pale hand gripped and tugged at the collar of her shirt; subconsciously, anxiously. She could feel the pulse in her neck quicken. She didn’t think she’d react this way to the news; it was like she was waking up from a dream and having one at the same time, though it felt a lot more unnerving.

“Is she really back?”  She whispered aloud to nobody in particular. The words had ripped themselves from her thoughts and uttered themselves between her open lips.

Somehow she could feel her feet picking up as she walked out of the alley and down the sidewalk, somehow she had gotten herself into the limousine, but she couldn’t remember how, all her thoughts were a jumbled mess in her head. How was she going to throw a party in three hours when she knew Mabel Pines was back in Gravity Falls?

How could she possibly keep her focus?

* * *

 

“Okay, but seriously, what is the point of the pit in Pitt Cola? Nobody likes the pit! It’s totally unnecessary.” The blonde said, complaining as she continued to sip on her soda from the arcade vending machine before finishing it and tossing it in the trash.

“That’s their gimmick, though,” Dipper replied, not moving his gaze from the pac-man machine. “It makes them famous in an ironic way, like those lollipops with bugs in the middle.”

“I think it’s a hazard, I’m surprised nobody has choked and sued them for millions.” Pacifica said.

Dipper laughed, “I don’t see why it’s a big deal to you, your family wouldn’t even need to sue. You could probably just buy them out.”

Before Pacifica could respond she was interrupted by a handful of quarters being shoved in her hands by none other than Mabel Pines, who smiled from ear to ear.

“I haven’t held currency this valueless in years,” Pacifica said, examining the coins in her hands.

“Haven’t you gone to this arcade before?” Mabel asked, tilting her head.

“Of course not! Why would I come here when I have my very own personal arcade at home?” Pacifica said, a note of pride in her comment, “So what are these for? Do we throw them at people?”

“You use the quarters to play the games, silly,” Mabel said and before Pacifica could even retort, the quirky girl had already grabbed her wrist and pulled her over to the racing car game. “I’ll race you! It’ll be fun to crush someone who isn’t Dipper!”

“Hey, I heard that!” Dipper called, still keeping his focus on his game.

The two girls exchanged a laugh before stepping in the racing car seats and inserting their quarters.

“I am so gonna destroy you,” Pacifica bragged, cracking her knuckles and gripping the wheel in front of her, her foot hovering over the gas petal. “You should just accept your fate now, so it’ll sting less when I totally beat you.”

“Ha! In your dreams!” Mabel said, laughing as she gripped her own steering wheel. “I’m the best at this game!” She pointed at the scoreboard on the screen, which read MBL at the very top of it.

Pacifica folded her arms and gave a huff in response, she didn’t want to admit she was a bit impressed with Mabel’s score, or admit that she was impressed with Mabel as a person in general.

And with the voice on the game screen bellowing out the word ‘GO!’ the two girls peeled out, the blonde’s foot slamming hard on the gas, her hands gripping her wheel so hard she noticed the whites of her knuckles in her peripheral. Mabel had a wide smile, the metal of her braces glimmering as she turned her wheel hard, passing the pink car Pacifica had chosen to control.

Three laps later, the voice bellowed again as Mabel finished the final lap.

“PLAYER TWO WINS!”

“Aw yeah! Winner! Winner! Chicken dinner!” Mabel exclaimed, pumping her fist in the air with celebration, “Man that was fun, wanna play again Pacif-” The girl’s question was cut short when she turned to face Pacifica, only to not have her gaze met again, rather, the girl’s profile as she cast her eyes downward.

“I lost-” Pacifica said, still registering her defeat. It was only a game, yet even such a small loss seemed to set off an uneasiness in her, a turning in her stomach, a chill down her spine that set her teeth on edge, and a cold, numb feeling in her fingers that made her grip the steering wheel even harder just to forget it. How she hated the feeling.

Mabel could tell something wasn’t completely right by the sudden emptiness in Pacifica’s voice, one that had been so confident earlier. She reached over, giving the girl a comforting pat on her shoulder.

“Hey, it’s all right, Pacifica! No need to be so hard on yourself. It’s just a game! Besides, there’s plenty of other things you can win at.”

“Yeah- you’re right-” Pacifica responded in an unsteady waver, lifting her head, pausing for a breath, “I mean- there’s no reason that I have to be the best at some dumpy car game.”

“Yeah! I mean, you can’t be good at everything, y’know?”

“Yeah…”

But oh, how she wished she could be. Things could be much easier that way.

* * *

 

Pacifica knocked back her fifth shot of tequila, slamming the tiny glass on the table and shaking off the burning in her throat. Her vision blurring a second when she lifted her head to the crowd of drunken teenagers that had gathered around table in her dining room. The surface of the table was covered in various bottles and cans of different alcoholic beverages.

“Holy shit, Pacifica you are on a roll!” Courtney said from among the group, taking a sip from the cup in her hand, god knows what was in there, but by the way her body was rocking side to side, it must have been some good stuff.

“I don’t get my kicks ‘til the sixth.” The blonde joked back with a small smirk, before pouring herself another shot, taking extra caution not to spill everywhere.

Her party was currently a hit, anyone who was cool was there and anyone who wasn’t cool had probably snuck in somehow, not that Pacifica really cared enough to kick any nerds out, she was getting way too plastered for that.

She knocked back her sixth shot, slamming the glass on the table once more.

As far as Pacifica was concerned, she didn’t want to remember anything about this party, this evening, or this entire day for that matter. She didn’t want to remember any phone calls, or things she had been told, and no memories, no memories, anything but a memory- anything that could even crack her composure; her perfect,  _perfect_  composure. She didn’t want to think about Mabel Pines, about the way she would talk to her, how she had spent her summer nights sneaking into Pacifica’s room with her grappling hook to watch movies until five in the morning, all because Pacifica’s parents wouldn’t allow her over (despite Pacifica’s pleading), how she promised that they’d exchange numbers and addresses when Mabel finally had to leave, or how she considered Mabel to be the only friend that she ever truly felt she had. Most importantly, she didn’t want to remember the nights she found herself sprinting through the trees and bushes toward the Mystery Shack, throwing pebbles against the attic window until Mabel woke up and snuck downstairs and out the front, where Pacifica would proceed to fling herself in the brunette girl’s arms and sob.

“Pacifica? You alright?” One boy asked, shaking the blonde’s shoulder, as she seemed quite deep in thought.

Pacifica snapped out of the huge daze she had found herself in, she was thinking too hard again, and by the way she felt herself begin to tear up, she wouldn’t be able to put off the thinking for long.

“Excuse me.” She managed to say, quickly pushing her way through the crowd, maneuvering around the large amount of people all over her house, almost getting hit by a ping pong ball in a drunken game of beer pong on her way up the stairs to her room, too preoccupied with her thoughts to stop and yell at the person who threw it.

“God-” She croaked, hurrying up the next few flights of stairs in her home, down the long hallway, swinging open the double doors to her room only to see her friend Trisha straddled over and swapping spit with some drunk loser.  

“Oh no,  _hell_  no, get out of here- not in  _my_  damn bed, you pigs!” She yelled, pulling off her high heels and throwing them across the room, hitting the wall with a loud bang.

“Alright, alright, we’ll leave,” Trisha said getting up from the king-sized bed, pulling the slurring mess of a teenage boy out of the room with her, “C’mon, chill out ‘Cifica.”

“What the hell are you even talking about? I am  _so_ chill right now!” The blonde said through her teeth, seething, her voice tense and clipped and the furthest sounding thing from ‘chill’ as she slammed her doors behind her and locked them, muffling the voices and loud party music, separating herself.

Once she paused to breathe, she crossed over to her large pink bed in the center of the room, covered in decorative pillows and blankets. Pink, transparent curtains draped down from the overhang above the bed as the blonde sat on the edge of her mattress, burying her face in her hands as she allowed her sadness to consume her; wet tears built up in her eyes, her shoulders trembled, another pathetic croak escaped from her lips.

“I hate this, I  _hate_  this, I hate this so much-” The blonde muttered to herself, wiping the tears away quickly before they had the chance to ruin her make-up. “Tonight was supposed to go perfect- without any problems- this summer was going to be amazing-” The alcohol must be doing this, making her wreck like this; she normally could just put these feelings aside, tuck them away where they couldn’t hurt her.

But even just knowing Mabel existed again, after all the years Pacifica spent trying to forget her, it killed her, it left a painful ache deep inside her chest. All in trying to forget about the only person she had actually cared about in this horrible, vapid town and having it all ripped away in a flash, a moment. She was gone. Mabel Pines was nobody and Pacifica Northwest was everybody all over again.

She allowed herself to fall back into the array of pillows on her bed, closing her eyes and releasing a shuddering breath. She wished she could just fall asleep right now, then she wouldn’t have to have these memories torture her, at least for the rest of the night. She bit her lip hard as she felt more warm tears trickling down her cheeks, holding her breath, she didn’t want to hear herself cry, it was so weak, so pathetic, so pitiful-

_Ping!_

Pacifica shot upright at the sudden noise, looking through her pink curtains, eyes widened in a mild sense of panic now, quickly wiping away the wetness from her face.

_Ping! Ping!_

“What the hell?” The blonde muttered aloud to herself, getting up from her bed, and peering out into the darkness of her bedside window.

Nothing but darkness.

Just as Pacifica was about to turn, she noticed another small rock hitting her window.

_Ping!_

Fuming she unlocked and slid open glass window in a fury.

“Hey! You damage my property and I will make you pay for it  _with_  your college savings!” She hollered into the darkness, pausing for a response and getting none. “I will buy away everything you love!” She continued, “Just watch me, I’ll- ah!” Pacifica jumped back as she was suddenly interrupted in her tirade, startled into a loud gasp by a sudden hook that shot up from the dark abyss, clinging onto the edge of the window sill.

“Jeez, I sure am a lucky duck, I didn’t even think you’d be in your room, Paz,” A light, cheerful and all too familiar voice called from outside. “But I took a chance and I’m super glad I did!”

_Paz. There was only person that called her that-_

_oh no- oh nonononono_

“Y-you are on private property- if you don’t leave- right now- I’ll-” The girl backed up even further from the window, her hands trembling, her lips shaking too hard to form anything coherent, unsure of what to do, too much was happening at once for her to think straight. She wasn’t prepared for this.

There was a loud zipping noise that followed Pacifica’s empty threat, then a sudden shadow in the dark, a hand grabbing hold of the ledge and pulling the figure up, brown eyes peering from the shadows, a blur of brown hair as the person climbed up and tumbled inside of Pacifica’s room, retracting the hook back to the gun it came from.

“Man- it smells the same in here, except more alcohol-y,” The brunette haired girl stood up, straightening out the loose, baby blue sweater that she had drooped over her figure before looking up and meeting eyes with the other girl across the room, her wide smile softening, giving a small wave, “Hey…”

The blonde’s breath caught in her throat, unable to speak. It has been four years and god, could she see how well they had treated Mabel. The way her long, thick, brown hair fell down her back in brilliant, shimmering waves, and her teeth gleaming, straight, absent of any metal this time around, it all seemed to stop time, making sure that she could process every detail. Her eyes moved from the girl’s freckled cheeks, to the way the loose collar of her sweater gave view to the curve of her clavicles against sun-tanned skin, to the way her sweater fell along the curves of her figure, curves that definitely weren’t there four years ago. Moving her eyes down, noticing the black leggings that clung to legs that grew and shaped up as well as the rest of the girl did, to her cozy boots reaching just a bit past her ankles.

Pacifica took in a slow, shivering breath, allowing a moment of silence to fall between the two girls.

“Mabel?” The blonde’s voice was barely even a whisper.

“Heh- I’m glad you remember me- it’s been a long time!” Mabel replied stepping toward the blonde, her arms stretched open, welcoming, “I missed you, Paz,” She moved to embrace the blonde, her arms moving to close around her, “I’m sorry-”

“Don’t you  _dare_!” Pacifica spat, suddenly, forcefully pushing the girl away from her, her voice raw, bitter, on the verge of breaking apart by the way it cracked when she spoke. “Don’t- you- _fucking_ \- dare-” Her words broke, eyes warm, wet, unable to hold back the pure, concentrated sorrow in her voice; a dam breaking, allowing everything she hid away to sting through her words, thick and heavy- so heavy- “How could you have the nerve- after leaving me all alone.”

_you left me here all alone  
after everything you knew_

Mabel’s smile broke as she stumbled back from the force of the shove, her eyes widening at Pacifica’s state, opening her mouth to speak, then closing it to breathe before catching her breath, stuttering, “I- I’m really sorry, Paz.”

“Sorry doesn’t take the pain away.”

“I know, just let me explain-”

“Why?” Pacifica’s eyes were red, swollen from crying. “Why should I?”

“Please, Paz, just hear me out-”

“Don’t call me that! You can’t just climb into my room after leaving for four years, without even saying goodbye, calling me ‘Paz’ like nothing’s changed. Everything’s changed, Mabel!”

“Pacifica-”

The blonde just looked away, she couldn’t meet Mabel’s gaze. “Just go.”

“Pacifica,  _please._ ” The brunette was begging now, she was expecting her past friend to be angry with her, though she didn’t realize it’d be to this extent.

“I said just go, Mabel! Leave before I call my bodyguards to kick you out!”  Pacifica said, her voice rising, pulling her phone out of the back pocket of her jeans and flipping it open.

Mabel bowed her head, defeated. “It’s fine, I’ll go. I deserve it anyway- I knew it’d be weird trying to be friends again, I figured I’d at least give it a shot.”

The blonde gave no response, stiffening as Mabel began to walk toward her, then past her, heading for the door.

The brunette suddenly felt a hand grab her wrist, just the same way those hands had grabbed her shoulders many times, the same ones from arms that had wrapped themselves around her waist when the blonde needed to hold onto her to find something, anything, any sense of grounding all those years ago when she would just break down in front of her. The pleading, needy way Pacifica’s hand held on to her wrist was enough for her to know that she didn’t mean a single word she said and in the most pitiful voice, she could hear her whisper.

“Mabel- please don’t leave-“

_please don’t leave me alone again_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeez, what's up with these girls and their feeeeelings, amirite?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’ll find true north, somewhere, somehow  
> When the road ends, and spits me out  
> I’ll call my friends, and wipe my nose  
> Ill find true north, and stumble out

Control. It was an ongoing issue.

Pacifica wanted control because it kept her safe. She needed to be first, she needed to be the best, she needed to be unbeatable, unstoppable, perfect at all times and in any possible way.

That was what kept her control; her safety.

It was Friday evening and god, how every muscle ached in her body. Only ten years old, her frame wrapped in sweater and scarf, her body still not at normal temperature, pale and shaking in the cold air of her home. Even with the living room fireplace crackling, everything was ice cold.

She had put her all in everything she had done for this swimming competition. She had stayed up so late every night the last week, swimming lap after lap in the family swimming pool, which stretched over an acre in their backyard.

There was no way she thought she’d lose to some lower-middle class  _chump_. Some- some-  _nobody_ who probably practiced in disgusting lakes or even worse-  _public_  pools. But she couldn’t be angry at just them, it was all her fault, she didn’t work hard enough. Yes, everything ached and burned inside her, her muscles crying out for relief but she could’ve pushed harder- she knew. She had sworn she would win and she  _didn’t_. She blew it, she failed, she  _lost._

“Pacifica, there are only two types of people in this world,”  Breaking her from her thoughts, her father spoke to her slowly, calmly, self-righteous, and so infatuated with his own ideas of success, "There are those who win and those who lose.”

Pacifica couldn’t speak, the wary words crumbled before they could even reach her throat.

She looked to her mother, oh, her  _mother_ , who’s beautiful brunette hair fell over her shoulders as she leaned up against the wall in their large kitchen, whose eyes were glassy, distant as she took another sip of her brandy. A mother who refused to meet her gaze. A mother who never met her gaze when her daughter’s neck bore silver instead of gold.

_Mom, I’m scared._

“You are a Northwest.” Her father spoke, “Northwests do not  _lose_.”

“I didn’t lose.” She muttered, looking down. “I came in second place.”

“Second place isn’t  _winning_ , darling,” The woman interjected, still never meeting her daughter’s eyes, never ever. “In our case, that silver medal as just as useless as last place.”

_Look at me, mom.  
Why won’t you just look at me?_

“I did what I could. I tried my best, if you were there you would’ve saw-”

“Don’t talk back to your mother. Christ! It doesn’t  _matter_  how hard you tried, Pacifica! If you didn’t win- if you weren’t better than every  _single_  other person in that swimming tournament, then it doesn’t matter! It’s invalid! All your training is just more wasted money!” The sudden rise in the volume of her father’s voice startled her. “Our success-  _my_  success did not come from being number  _two!_ ”

Rabid, her father yanked the medal over her head and off of her, mussing up Pacifica’s long blonde hair; she winced, eyes wide, startled, her heart began to race, as it always did when this happened. Teeth digging into her lip, hard, she inched back, away from her father, who seemed so unrecognizable when he was angry.

“Every time that  _you_  can’t win makes a negative impact on us. You are a direct reflection of us and you are a reflection  _on_  us. And because you are, you are going to make a good example of yourself and you are going to win every  _time_ \- so help me _god!_ “ His voice rose to a violent yell, tossing the medal into the nearby fireplace, causing the burning wood inside to crackle, sparks flying up and disappearing into the air.

"Your father is right, it’s quite embarrassing for us when you lose. Our family has a reputation to maintain.”

_Embarrassing? She was- embarrassing?_

The blonde bowed her head, forcing back the tears that began to sting her eyes. She knew if her mother saw her cry she would scoff.

“I’m sorry, father. I’m sorry, mother.” She said, voice barely keeping itself even, fighting every urge her body had to break down, to shout, to scream. “I won’t lose again.”

“I promise.”

_Northwests do not lose._

* * *

The two girls didn’t budge for what seemed like minutes. Pacifica’s head was cast down, her light bangs casting a veil over her eyes. She didn’t know what to say, she was torn and her emotions pulled her in every direction, her thoughts running over a hundred miles, if not more.

_please don’t leave me alone again_

Shakily, Pacifica let go of Mabel’s hand. “I’m sorry.” She muttered, more to herself than the brunette girl who stood before her.

“Pacifica,” Mabel said in the softest voice. “There’s something… horribly wrong with this town, Something that made me and Dipper have to leave for a long time.”

Pacifica looked up, meeting eyes with Mabel, her eyebrows arched, perplexed. Of all the things Pacifica had expected Mabel to say, this was not one of them. The blonde turned around and closed her door, crossing past Mabel to shut and lock her windows. She approached Mabel, her stare seeming to pierce through anything in it’s path.

“What are you talking about?” Pacifica asked, her voice seeming more tense than curious.

“Pacifica,” Mabel began, her voice more urgent now, “We came back for you. We have to get you out of here.”

Pacifica stepped back, shocked. Was she joking? No. She could tell if Mabel was joking, even now. But the brunette’s face was grim and serious. Pacifica felt her pulse quicken, she couldn’t even find the right words to respond to Mabel, her brain still processing if Mabel had really said what she just said.

“There was a reason we had to leave immediately, why I couldn’t risk contacting you, why I couldn’t risk contact with this town for years.”

Pacifica couldn’t hold back a sneer. How condescending, Mabel acted like she was the  _real_  one suffering, and now she came back to _rescue_ her. Pacifica should feel grateful, shouldn’t she? She knew that’d be what her insufferable father would have said, he would have told her to even say thank you. But Pacifica knew better, she had spent way too long pretending to be grateful for patronizing displays disguised as kindness.

“Well, being you, your actions are always justified, no matter how much they hurt others, it seems,” Pacifica said, in a voice cold enough to freeze anything nearby. The end always justified the means, it did for her family, for Mabel, maybe everyone was just this selfish and Pacifica was just too sensitive to properly understand. “How are you back now if you couldn’t come back before?”

“Because of this.” The brunette pulled down the collar of her sweater to reveal and eye-shaped amulet, looking like something handmade. Pacifica flinched when she saw, something in her head stung.

“Ah- that- that eye!” Pacifica pointed, her other hand grabbing at her head. “That looks- looks like-” When she tried to remember, her head hurt even more. She closed her eyes tightly.

“You can’t remember, can you?” Mabel had a sad look in her eyes, “Of course you can’t, but I know how you can, and then- then you’d believe me! And then-”

“Enough!” Pacifica clutched at her now throbbing head. “I don’t know what this bullshit is but I’ve had enough!”

“Pacifica, I’m serious. You’re in danger.” Mabel put the amulet away, moving to approach the blonde.

“How could you say that?” Pacifica recoiled at Mabel’s touch, her words wavering as if it would be any moment before her feelings shifted again from furious anger to her pathetic, clingy misery. “I was  _always_  in danger. I was in danger before you left, I was in danger when you were gone. And now you want to act like you’re saving me?”

“Pacifica, I know-”  
  
“Do you?” Pacifica turned around, eyes watering and burning, hands mussing her own flaxen hair, pressing her fingers still to parts on her head that throbbed and stung. “Do you know how it’s been for me? How much it  _killed_  me inside to be without you?”

“Mabel. You were the only person I- that I-” She welled up, stuttering as she continued,

“You were the only person who didn’t make me feel like a failure.”

* * *

The stars shone brightly in the moments evening turned to night, the light of the full moon giving its minimal glow in the otherwise engulfing darkness of the woods.

Thrashing through underbrush, a young blonde girl cut her way through the forest with puffy eyes and mascara stained cheeks in a cerulean dress that otherwise would have been lovely if it had not already been stained with mud and torn by branches. Suddenly, in her blinding sprint, the girl’s bare foot caught under a tree root and caused her to fall flat on her face, her arms outstretched in front of her in a failed attempt to parry the impact. She took a moment to catch her breath, only to end up inhaling dirt and crying; Pacifica was glad only for a moment that she was alone, as she must have looked quite pathetic then.

The moment ceased shortly when she heard the incoherent whisperings again, as if someone were speaking backwards, so she scrambled up to her feet and continued to run. Thinking back, she should have taken the main path the the Mystery Shack, but she didn’t want her parents to find her, this shortcut seemed like the best bet then. It was a whimsical and fascinating area during the day on her adventures with Dipper and Mabel, but now, it felt nothing but sinister.

Finally, she found the clearing, the lone cabin the woods that read: Mystery Shack. She quickly grabbed a handful of pebbles from the ground and threw them at the triangular attic window.

_ping.  
ping ping ping._

A small light turned on, Pacifica could see it from outside, her stomach fluttering. She waited as the frame appeared in front of the window, waving her arms and hoping Mabel could see. Soon the frame disappeared and Paz hoped Mabel hadn’t went back to sleep, that she didn’t just brush off the noise as nothing. She paced around until she heard the front door unlock and Mabel’s quiet and worried voice call to her.

The rest of the night was followed by sobbing from Pacifica, tight hugs, face washes, spare changes of clothes into comfy sweaters and quiet whispering as they shared a bed together. Dipper had awoke at some point during this, saw the look on Pacifica’s face, and knew immediately not to ask.

The following morning, Mabel and Pacifica decided to paint each other’s nails.

“They shouldn’t say things like that,” Mabel said, painting Pacifica’s nails in glittery polishes, a different color for each nail. “It’s not fair to you, Paz.”

“I know.” Pacifica said, staring at her nails as Mabel painted. She was dressed in one of Mabel’s various sweaters and loose shorts. “But they do, they always do. They think that if they say I’m not good enough at certain things it will motivate me, but-”

“There’s no way it could!” Mabel responded, pausing her strokes of purple paint on Paz’s pinkie finger, shocked that anyone would see that as motivation. “Besides, you’re the smartest girl I know! You’re already good at so many things!”

“Good isn’t good enough though, not for my parents anyway.”

“Pacifica,” Mabel set down her utensils and took the blonde’s hands in her own, careful not to mess up the drying paint on her nails. “They’re wrong. Parents can be wrong too, and your parents definitely are. You can’t be perfect, you mess up, we all do. That isn’t something they should punish you for, it’s just not right. Next time they say those things, don’t listen, okay?”

“I know. You’re right.” Pacifica met eyes with the girl sitting in front of her, her face feeling hot as she seemed transfixed by the sweetness and empathy in Mabel’s complexion. How she had wanted to kiss her right then, the only person who she had let in and the only person who would be so understanding. She reached over and wrapped her arms around Mabel, taking her into a hug, cautious of her nails, of course.

“Thank you, Mabel.”

“I’m always here for you, Paz.”

Pacifica cracked a shy smile, what a silly nickname. A silly nickname from a silly girl.

* * *

Mabel didn’t respond to Pacifica’s words immediately, but the blonde could see the the guilt was drowning her. But Pacifica couldn’t comfort her, part of her wanted to, but all the other parts of her pulled her so many directions to the point of torture; the anger, the sadness, she’d do anything to be how she was with Mabel before, but, it just wasn’t possible at this moment. The pain was too unbearably suffocating, strangling her from the inside out and clouding her judgement.

“We’ll talk about this tomorrow. I need to send everyone home and sleep. A lot has happened.” The blonde finally said, if she let this conversation persist she’d spill her insides out.

“You’re right, I should go. I’ve done enough damage.” Mabel said, fidgeting her fingers together nervously.

Pacifica sighed. “I don’t want you to go but- you should- I’m sorry.”

Mabel gave a weak smile. “No, don’t apologize. The one who needs to apologize is me. I know it will be hard to forgive me, but I hope in time that you could-”

She blinked hard and fought back her tears as she met Mabel’s deep brown eyes once more.

“I hope so too." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There has been a long, indefinite hiatus on this story due to personal reasons and with how the show is going canonically. However, I'm pleased to inform that I am starting up on this multi-chapter again. Sorry if things do not fit with other chapters, it has obviously been a while. 
> 
> Much love, Eppie


	4. Chapter 4

It was as if the universe had opened its mouth and swallowed her whole.

That’s what it felt like as she found Dipper and herself in the back seat of a Greyhound bus headed home to California. No state of mind or spirit within herself was normal, her knees bent up against her chest on the bus seat. Her eyes were wet, sunken, and hollow as she wiped at them again with the sleeve of her sweater.

The fabric that had separated the world from the worlds of others had grown thin in Gravity Falls. Voices of demons and their cryptics had been so invasive lately.

“She won’t be happy when we come back,  _if_  we come back.” Dipper said, his voice tired and empty, his mind had spoken to a spirit too many then; a spirit too many, too much, too persuading, too powerful. His body always felt so overexerted, so sore and full of ache, his eyes had the same sunkenness to them as his sister’s “Will we tell her?”

“Yes and no,” Mabel replied, turning her face to the window and watching as the collections of pines grew thinner and thinner. “Her memories of that night are gone. And I’ll never be able to forgive myself, Dipper.”

“It was for her own good, Mabel. You and I both know that.”

“How much good will it do? She’ll never know until we come back, unless she finds out on her own.”

“She won’t. Grunkle Stan and Ford know better than to tell her anyway.”

Mabel slammed her palms hard against her seat, hot anger rising up from her stomach to her chest to her ears, she gritted her teeth as she spoke. “That- doesn’t- matter-” She clenched her fists until her knuckles changed from red to white. “How much good will it really do? She  _will_  find out, whether it be now, years from now, from us, on her own. How much good will it do knowing that when she gets her memories back, she’ll never trust me again.”

“We’re not supposed to trust anyone here. We never were.”

“I don’t  _care_ , Dipper!” Mabel’s emotions felt so volatile then, as if her heart wanted to leap out of her throat, how badly she wanted to grab Dipper and shake him out of his stupid, selfish deprecation of everything they had been through. “She’s my- friend and I betrayed her trust. Even if she doesn’t know now, it doesn’t change what we did.”

The silence between the two of them grew after that, stretching out until she felt like it was wrapped around her skull and squeezing it in. Dipper wanted to believe- to fool himself- he wanted to think that in the very end they had done what was right and what was best for everyone. Mabel wanted to think so too, but she knew better.

The demons that lurked in Gravity Falls loved sadness, loved your feelings of betrayal, whatever made your heart weigh heavy, your shoulder chip, your soul cry. Anything that for one  _moment_  would let them inside of your head. And Pacifica had so  _many_ things that would let demons inside, as if her thoughts were not demons enough. She was afraid, she thought she was doing the right thing. Mabel thought she had done the right thing too.

_What good are good intentions if this is our outcome?_

“The journals can’t fix this.” Dipper finally said. “We got to take them with us but there is nothing in them that can help.”

“Does that mean we’ll have to figure this out on our own?”

“Yes.” His words are dry, wooden, and crackling. But Mabel accepts them.

“And when we do?” She asked.

“Then we’ll come back. No matter how long it takes, we’ll come back, okay?”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

* * *

Parties were always a fucking mess.

Not that Pacifica was complaining that she had to clean in the morning, her staff did all that work for her. It was a combination of things, of the physical mess, the mental mess, and the spiritual mess. The physical mess was obvious: half-empty cups on beer on tables and counter-tops, empty bottles on the floor, some  _idiot_  had decided smash a full bottle of imported vodka all over her patio. The mental mess was the flood of text messages, relationship status changes on Facebook, the passed out and hungover guests who had decided to crash in various places of the manor (unbeknownst to her of course, the manor was huge).

The spiritual mess was Mabel Pines.

_Fuck her! Fuck her and her stupid self-sacrificial bullshit._

Mabel always had to be the good person, didn’t she? She was always the good one who knew what to say, how to make people laugh, how to treat her friends. She was always so nice and so caring, it was almost sickening when she thought about it now. The way Mabel was so good and Pacifica was just so  _bad._

Pacifica was not a good person. She was never a good person, she was a selfish person, she was a vindictive, spiteful  _monster_  of a person who destroyed and tore people down. Mabel may have led her to believe she was a good person at one point, but Mabel had led her to believe a lot of things.

But when Mabel had showed her that symbol, there was a physical ache in her head. She knew from her old experiences with Dipper and Mabel about the paranormal things that lurked in the dark places of Gravity Falls, things she hadn’t bothered to explore after their departure. It was too dangerous for her to look into on her own, too dangerous without them and their strange journals.

She had dreams in the past years, dreams that left the same aching in her head that the amulet did. Dreams of eyes and voices, of outlines of beings that were faint and ambiguous, locations that she couldn’t quite place. And if Mabel had some explanation for these things, then she might as well hear her out.

A quick limousine ride and she was at the Mystery Shack again. It was a lot more rundown looking than it had been the last time she was there, which had been four years ago. The painted wooden outside was chipped and faded, cobwebs collected in the corners of the patio cover, dust had built up on the windows. She had avoided the place since she was twelve, the entire area to be exact, the last thing she had needed back then was to be unsettled by the past memories of the twins. To be in front of the Mystery Shack again set a very jarring feeling inside of Pacifica, so many bad and good memories had happened here. At the time back then, she would have almost called them her second family.

Tentatively, she knocked on the door, her heart pounding crazily against her chest. In her anxiety, Pacifica thought to herself; she could still run off now, pretend last night’s encounter was a dream, pretend they had never come back, everything was normal, she could still run-

Pacifica heard the door unlock and took a sharp breath in.

“Hey, Pacifica-” Dipper said, opening the door, a large yawn interrupting his greeting. It was obvious he had just woken up. “Long time, no see.”

Pacifica couldn’t help but widen her eyes, Dipper had grown taller since she last saw him,  _much_  taller. He had grown to be a lanky guy with clumsy large hands and feet and a patch of scruffy brown hair growing on his chin. Not much changed in his sense of fashion taste, still as awful as ever. He wore a loose wrinkly flannel shirt along with his worn out pine tree hat atop his messy brown hair. Before Pacifica had the chance to say anything, Dipper embraced her in a hug. Feeling more awkward than ever, Pacifica put her arms around him.

“Hey… Dipper…”  The blonde responded, unsure of what to say. She felt the hair stand up on the back of her neck, the chilling energy of this entire situation put her on edge.

“Come in, Mabel will be downstairs in a minute.” Dipper said holding open the door for Pacifica to step inside.

Looking around the gift shop, it seemed emptier than before. The shelves that Pacifica once remembered to be filled with various odds and ends, now had barely anything on them, save for a mug or a postcard or a bobble-head. Cobwebs had gathered in the corners of the ceilings inside the store as much as they did on the outside, and there was nobody cleaning or sitting at the cash register like the last time she had stepped in.

“Is this place still in business?” She asked.

“Not for the last year. People started avoiding this town, bad vibes, I guess.”

Pacifica rolled her eyes, if anyone knew anything about bad vibes, it would be her. However when she thought about it, she did notice how less tourists had been visiting Gravity Falls in the last few years. Back then, she had thought nothing of it, as she always had something more important going on in her life.

“Was that the reason you guys took off with no warning? Bad vibes?” Pacifica said, clipping her words. She couldn’t help it, she still had a lot of anger to be extinguished.

“I know, we’ve got a lot of explaining to do.” Dipper said, leading Pacifica into the living room. “Mabel?”

“Over here!” Mabel called from the kitchen, waiting as Dipper and Pacifica eventually joined her at the table. “Hey Pacifica.” She said in a quieter voice, giving a humble wave of her hand.

“Hey.” Pacifica replied, sitting down across from the twins, folding her hands in front of her, unsure of what to do with her body in general.

“First of all, I want to apologize about last night,” Mabel said, “I should’ve known the suddenness of all this would freak you out.” She looked away sheepishly, stirring her coffee with her spoon.

“Well, our conversation last night left me with more questions than answers.” Pacifica replied. “I’ve felt so alone without you guys the last four years, and now you come back and tell me I’m in danger. I need closure on all this, I need closure on the last four shitty years.” She fought back those  _stupid_  tears forming in her eyes, why now?

“I know, Pacifica.” Mabel sighed. “Listen, the night before we left, something happened. Something really bad.”

“For God’s sake Mabel, what  _happened_?” Pacifica exclaimed, her hands unconsciously gripping onto the table. She was getting worked up again and doing a terrible job at hiding it.

“Pacifica, do you remember when we would go on mystery hunts together?” Dipper asked.

“You mean those adventures with the strange journals and monsters that would almost kill us?” Pacifica folded her arms. “How could I forget?” Once fond memories of exploring with the twins had gone sour over the years, tormenting her with reminders of much better times.

“One of those monsters was coming after us,” Mabel said. “And we had to get out of here as fast as possible.”

“You guys disappeared because a monster was after you?”

“Jeez, I’m doing such a terrible job at this.” Mabel ran a hand through her hair nervously, her long wavy hair that Pacifica used to admire when she braided it long ago. “It wasn’t a normal monster, it was a demon.”

“A demon?”

“Not just any demon,” Dipper chimed in. “This one could enter your mind and control your body.”

“Seriously?”

Mabel nodded. “Listen Paz- Pacifica, there is a breach in the fabric of our universe here. The fabric that keeps our universe- um-  _ours_. That demon came from a whole different freaky weird dimension and he wanted our heads on a platter!”

“It’s true, he was after us. Just us. And we had to leave immediately or else he would influence someone else to come after us.” Dipper continued. “We were afraid to tell you because we didn’t want you trying to face this on your own.”

“Oh, how thoughtful of you guys.” Pacifica said, her voice monotone, “For four years though, really?”

“We didn’t know it would take that long.” Mabel said, “Figuring out how to come back, I mean. We knew when we left that we had to come back, but if I had known it would be so long, I would’ve-”

“Told me?”

“Yes. Pacifica, yes. I wouldn’t have left you in the dark if I had known, I swear. We wanted you to stay safe, if you went out looking for this demon on your own-” Mabel paused, her eyes darting here to there as she seemed to be processing what she wanted to say. “It wouldn’t have been good.”

“Why hadn’t I heard about him before?” Pacifica asked.

“Uh-” Mabel stuttered, seemingly worried. “Dipper and I- we did a lot of investigating on our own or with our grunkles from time to time.”

“We had to keep a lot of secrets from everyone. Even from you.” Dipper said.

Pacifica’s head felt like someone had grabbed it and spun it. Were these twins serious right now? Even if their intentions were good every word out of Mabel’s mouth felt like a knife twisting its way deeper into her stomach. Not like she hadn’t been bleeding out red the past four years, but this conversation felt like she had torn old scabbed wounds wide open.

“Of course.” Pacifica said, her voice tired and faint, grabbed and stretched to its limit. “Why would I know? It’s not like it was important to tell me or anything.”

“Please don’t take it personally.” Mabel said.

“How can I not take  _anything_  personally? I’m taking this whole conversation personally, Mabel!” Pacifica felt her body stand up abruptly, the chair screeching behind her. She suddenly felt like she couldn’t breathe anymore, the air was thicker and every inhale felt more suffocating and every blink felt more and more wetter.

“I’m sorry, okay?” Mabel’s eyes seem to plead with Pacifica. Of course they could be genuine, but that didn’t matter to Pacifica. What even mattered now?

“Aren’t we all,” Pacifica’s voice tapered off into a whisper, her head was running in flashes, memories sparking in and out as she felt the world around her grow small. This was all a bad idea. She wasn’t ready for this, she made a mistake, she shouldn’t _be_ here,  _they_  shouldn’t be here. “Aren’t we all  _fucking_  sorry!” The words ripped themselves out of her mouth, vile and piercing and she saw Mabel visibly flinch as they hit her.

A moment of long awkward silence passed as Pacifica’s words faded, Mabel staring vacantly into her coffee cup as Dipper nervously carded his hands together, looking around and trying his hardest to think of something to say.

“Mabel,” Pacifica finally croaked out, pressing her thumb and forefinger hard against her closed eyes to wipe away any wetness that was forming as she spoke. “I just needed you here, so much, so often, and you weren’t. And I was so-” she  paused, her voice breaking apart into that miserable, gross cracking sound she hated hearing when she was upset, “I was so alone.”

“Pacifica- I-” Mabel stood up, motioning to comfort her broken, old friend.

Pacifica backed away.

“I should go. I’m not ready for this-” She found herself turning around and hurrying to the door, any moment now the panic would come and immobilize her, the last thing she needed was for the twins to be there when it happened. “This is too much!”

Without looking back, Pacifica hurriedly pushed open the front door of the shack and ran out, the limo still waiting for her as she rushed inside without a glance behind her, the faint cries of  “Pacifica wait!” faded behind her.

Once, the door was shut and the vehicle began to move, she slumped down in the black leather seat, her face in her hands as the ugly sobs broke free from the fracturing iron mask she wore.

“I hate them, I hate them, I hate them.” She muttered to herself between the wet whimpers that forced themselves from her lips. She looked so embarrassing; how lucky she was that she was alone, if anyone saw Pacifica Northwest like this, it would have been humiliating.

“I hate them, I hate Mabel,” She said, sniffling, taking out a handkerchief to dab at her puffy eyes.

“I hate myself…”

* * *

“I hate myself.”

Merely twelve years old and curled up on her bed, Pacifica ran a hand over the worn-out red journal in front of her. On the cover was a golden, six-fingered hand and the number two written over it in black.

“I hate myself for doing this.”

She had done something wrong, something selfish; she had taken one of the twin’s journals when Mabel had fallen asleep last night. She wouldn’t have done it if she hadn’t peeked in it that evening. Mabel had been looking for a charm in it, something that could help Pacifica with her parents. She shouldn’t have been so nosy and looked through it when Mabel wasn’t looking. If she hadn’t saw a page about a creature who granted wishes she would have left it alone.

_I’m a bad person. I’m a bad, bad person, why am I doing this?_

Mabel and her had grown close this summer and she had never had anyone as emotionally close to her in her entire  _life_  as Mabel was. No friend had ever made Pacifica feel the way she felt about Mabel Pines. And she knew deep down that the twins would have to leave at the end of the summer, and the thought of being without Mabel for the rest of the year- she couldn’t fathom it.

_I’ll return it tomorrow before they even know. It will all be fine._

She shook the doubts from her head and flipped through the pages of the book until she stopped upon the one labeled ‘Creature Number 326.’ The page showed a strange looking being that resembled a pyramid, with only one eye in the center of its body.

_Someone I could summon, to give me anything I want._

She knew what she wanted, she knew how unfair she was being at getting it but- Mabel, Mabel had brought so many conflicting emotions to her, feelings that she knew Mabel would never return. She knew how boy-crazy Mabel was, how the unrequited feelings left an ache in her chest every time Mabel gushed over a boy and she was jealous, so jealous and this just was so wrong, wrong, wrong-

Quickly before Pacifica could let herself change her mind, she muttered the strange incantation in the journal.

“T-triangulum, entangulum…” She squinted, trying to sound out the strange latin as best she could, “Met-meteforis dominus… ventium. Meteforis v-ven-etisarium.”

A flash of blue light startled the young blonde, her heart pounding in her chest as the triangular, one-eyed being appeared before her out of mid-air, his form glowing a lot brighter yellow than she had imagined as the world around her seemed to turn grey. He wore a tiny top hat upon his head and a matching bow tie on what she assumed would be his chest, though the charm of the outfit didn’t really make him look any less creepy.

“Augh, jeez, I was having such a great time in the nightmare realm and now I get called back to this boring universe, _again_. I was entertaining guests y’know!” The being said, although, she didn’t understand how the creature could speak with no mouth.

“Are you-” Pacifica glanced at the book again. “Are you the creature from this journal? A dream demon?”

“Oh kid,  _obviously_  not,” The triangle rolled his eye, “I mean, it’s not like you just  _summoned_  me or anything!”

“Okay, okay, stupid question.” Pacifica said, brushing off the sarcasm, she had to pick her battles, last thing she wanted to do was say something and insult a demon.

“Also, the name is Bill, Bill Cipher. Don’t bother introducing yourself, I already know your name.”

“Bill…” She muttered to herself before looking up at him again. “I read that you granted wishes.”

“That journal, right? You don’t have to tell me, I already know  _everything_. You’re quite close with that Pine-tree boy aren’t you? Ah- but you  _really_  like the other one though, I can see it! Shooting Star, yes?”

“Shooting Star?” She raised a brow in confusion, about to ask what he meant until it suddenly clicked. The hat Dipper wore, the sweater that Mabel-

Pacifica blushed violently at Bill’s rash honesty, did he really have to mention that? She was already embarrassed enough by the weird feelings she had begun to develop for Mabel. Feelings she didn’t understand, feelings nobody else could understand.

“I guess there’s no point in being discreet about this issue with you.”

“So let me put two and two together, Llama.” The triangle folded his hands together as he floated over and sat on the edge of her bed.

“L-llama? What?” She wrinkled her nose, was this thing trying to insult her now?

“You summoned me to get Shooting Star to like you back, right?”

“I…” Pacifica grew even more red. The blonde’s face was tell enough for Bill.

“Oh boy, you humans are so weird. Feelings are so annoying, but they give me my clientele so I won’t complain too much. Anyway, I’m no genie, kid! I don’t just give out wishes like some sort of charity. So if you want me to do something for you…” If Bill had a mouth, Pacifica knew he would be smiling now. “You gotta do something for me!” He floated back up to the center of Pacifica’s room, beckoning her over with his finger.

“Okay,” Pacifica narrowed her eyes, suspicious of the demon as she stood up and approached him. “What do you want?”

The demon laughed, looking around the girl’s room, admiring the golden trophies and ribbons around her room: atop her dresser, along her shelves, and even on her windowsill.

He picked one of the trophies up and rolled it over in his small black hand.

“Such nice prizes you have here. Always a competitor, I see! Boy, I sure would like one too! It’s a shame you don’t get awards for being an all-knowing, omnipotent being!” He followed his exclamation with a loud laugh that sent a chill down Pacifica’s spine.

He placed the trophy back and flew over to Pacifica once more, holding out his hand. “That’s what I want. A nice shiny award!”

“A- trophy? That’s it? You just want one of my trophies?”

“Did I stutter, kid? Jeez, I have better hearing than you and I don’t even have ears!” Bill clasped his hands together in excitement. “All of my immortal life, all I ever wanted was a beautiful golden trophy to decorate my realm with! Surely you could help a poor fellow out?”

“I just- are you sure this will work?”

“Llama, I already told you. I know everything that happens and ever will happen. Trust me, you won’t be miserable about this love nonsense forever. Besides, if Shooting Star felt the same about you, maybe you’d have your ticket to getting out of- y’know- here.” He floated to her dresser and motioned to the family portrait sitting atop it.

Pacifica looked over at the picture and scowled, a burning look in her eyes. She could feel the deep anger boiling inside her stomach just looking at the fake smiles of her parents- and herself, the ringing of bells chimed in her ears and she winced.

No more yelling, no more pressure, no more winning, no more stupid bells.

Why would she need to win when she could have Mabel? She didn’t have to be perfect for her. If she could be with Mabel, none of the awards in the world would matter then.

_Nothing else would matter._

“I just want her to like me back, that’s all. No funny business. I don’t want anything bad to happen to her.”

“You’re quite protective of her, aren’t you? Ha, so brave! I’m sure you two would be the perfect match!”

Pacifica grimaced. “I mean it, Bill! I don’t want her getting hurt!”

“Jeez, calm down kid. Shooting Star will be fine, did you forget the fact that I know  _everything?_ ”

Pacifica hesitated, looking at the demon’s waiting hand. She didn’t have to do this. She could still hear the back of her mind screaming at her to back out, to cancel the offer. 

“C’mon, kid. I don’t have all millennium. Well, technically I do, ahaha!”

She had to decide. She knew this could be a trick but- but an opportunity to have everything? Love? An escape from her life? She couldn’t pass it up now, she just  _couldn’t-_

“Fine. It’s a deal.”

Promptly and without another thought, she shook the being’s hand. Before she could even think again she felt the blue flame form around their handshake. She stared in shock as the flame moved up her arm and engulfed her body, suddenly there was a searing pain that overloaded her senses.

She screamed. Bill only responded with a laugh.

“Now it’s time to pick my trophy! Ahahaha!”

All she could hear was Bill’s terrifying laughter as she felt her soul being pulled out from within herself, screaming until she couldn’t make a sound anymore.

Suddenly, there was a flash of blinding blue, a cold chill took over her as maniacal giggling came from a mouth that she no longer controlled. The inhuman sound of the demon’s laughing filled her ears and the world around her grew dark, dark,  **dark.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fasten your seat-belts, we are in for a very, very bumpy ride.


End file.
